you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
