I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
