So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
