drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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