fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
