he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
