There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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