I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
