Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
