No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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