Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize