I think I won the penis lottery.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
This baby is an asshole
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
