is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
