So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
