My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
