I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
