Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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