omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
