If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
