Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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