Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
