Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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