So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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