You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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