maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
