I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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