How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize