This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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