If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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