Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
