You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I just gargled with NyQuil
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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