you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Randomize
