I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
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