i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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