TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
