She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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