I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
