I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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