now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
