I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I am one with the molecules
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
