how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
