Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
