You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
