dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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