he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
