i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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