I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
