the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
