Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
