Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
