I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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