I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
