Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
