What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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