His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
