wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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