I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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