shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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