I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize