The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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