so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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