I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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