Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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