im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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