girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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