i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
