Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
