My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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