I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
