whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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