its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I want to fling myself into the sun
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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