Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
